Ring of Fire

Here’s one for the books.

So I hike up to my mountain cabin with my good friend Jessica last night. We both were happy to get away from the rat race for a day, and were looking forward to a night out in Dream Canyon. After running up and down the stream, and exploring bits and pieces of the property, we decided to settle in for the night. Struck with a bit of post supper munchies, we grabbed a pack of Ritz Southwestern Chips and started chowing down. A few minutes later, as we were sitting and talking in the loft, we both were struck by a strong burning sensation on our lips. Out of no where, Jessica suddenly screamed and grabbed her face with her hands. Something from the chips had gotten in her eyes. She started to freak out, and tried desperately to grope for the ladder leading down from the loft. I was taken aback by her hysterics, but helped her get outside and pour water into her eyes. She continued, for a good twenty minutes, to cry and scream and grab her face. I didn’t understand why she was freaking out the way she was and didn’t know what to do.

About fifteen minutes later, after things had calmed down, I too suddenly started to notice a burning sensation on my hands, my face, and in my eyes. I felt, almost instantly, that someone had hit me in the face with a bat. I suddenly lost my vision, couldn’t open my eyes because of the searing blinding pain, and grasped desperately trying to find my way outside. For twenty minutes, I poured over a gallon of water in my eyes. I literally was unable to see, and was panting from shortness of breath. The pain calmed down a bit, and we both sat back wondering what the hell had just happened. But before long, another round hit us and we ran outside again. This second burn was even worse from the first, and we both were incapacitated.

Finally, after a good 30 minutes, we decided to try and drive home and get in the shower. Waiting until I could see somewhat properly, we got in the car and whisked our asses back into Boulder. Parts of our body – our faces, hands, arms – continued to burn. Anywhere my hands had made contact with my skin started to turn red and swell up. When I got in the shower, the oil or whatever the substance was continued to spread and I fought another fitful round of burning and pain.

So yeah, true story. I woke up this morning with a nasty headache and parts of my body stilled burned. I have no idea what was in those chips, but it was certainly something beyond your everyday pepper. I wrote the company a quick email explaining our reaction to their product. Hopefully they will look into the matter. I can’t begin to imagine how a child would respond to this material.

And really, while I’m on the subject…

I swear to god, something is in the air this week. I got rejected by graduate school, got ousted by my soulless boss in trying to get Rockies tickets, and got seared and burned by a bag of chips. I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t go outside.

Devil Chips -- "They're to die for!"